Strategically Placed Banana Peels

It’s been almost a whole year since I’ve even glanced at this place, good to see it hasn’t fallen to the roving spam bots that scour our beloved internet!

But I digress. This is about not giving up, about believing in yourself. An absurd idea and foreign to my person, if at first you don’t succeeded, give up and try something else. Whether conscious or not, that has been my motto. Does it look to hard? Why try? you’ll defiantly fail, your life isn’t even worth the trouble. It will be average and boring.

You will fail.

But I want to be tenacious. So, let’s have at it? Never give up? If at the ten thousandth try, you fail, then keep trying? It’s the antithesis of my manifesto.

Or would that be, why do for your self, what others can do for you? I’ve never been good at opposites.

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I need to calm down.

Well that is at least what the Cards told me today. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a clear reading. Just about every aspect was spot on! I’m truly giddy!

You see, I’m kind of a mess at work, which sucks because it’s job and no one wants to get fired. I had a reading in January, that informed me that I may have a Nemesis at work, I brushed it off, because it seemed rather dramatic, it kind of was, but at the same time it wasn’t.

I’ve been working over night since March and been doing little dumb things almost daily. But recently the dumb things started to grow. This is weird, because I’m a super good worker. But it could be a combination of nerves and intimidation of my manager. She isn’t one who has patience which I think is was scared me so badly, because I don’t do stupid things when she’s not there(for the most part), but I do mess up when she is. But I think I mess up because I’m trying so hard not to, then I jinx myself and end up doing something ridiculous. So I figured I might as well do a tarot card reading.

I felt particularly guilty, because my practice has been uneven at best and non existence at the worst. So I got out my cards and started to shuffle them(I have a tendency to put them in order). One of the cards that caught my attention was the Knight of Swords, I’d never really noticed  him before, but he looked so interesting on his red horse. I wondered if I’d see him again.

Later, I did the 9 breaths of purification, the Gate of Heka mediation for 10 minuets and then the LBRP. I sat down and shuffled my cards again and did an Ellipse Spread, the first card was the reverse star, the second the knight of swords( Why hello, there), third, the seven of pentacles, forth the King of cups, fifth the reverse empress, sixth the reverse two of wands and lastly the two of pentacles.

My knowledge of the tarot is still sketchy so I looked them up and was very happy with what I found.

1. The upside down star told me that I have a lot of self doubt in my ability and hopelessness.

2. The knight of Swords, brash and tactless made the most sense with my situation. I do tend to things without thinking and then end up regretting them intensely.

3. The Seven of Pentacles… Success, but not an easily won one, I’ll have to work hard for this! I suppose all things will end well if I follow the advice of the

4. King of Cups, this one confused me at first, so I googled the sonobitch, and it made so much sense. I need to calm my happy as down. This is something I’ve known for a while and isn’t even all that new information. I just never paid attention.

5. The upside down empress. Another one that confuses me, I think it saying that there is an destructive outer influence on my life. hmm

6. Upside down two of wands I suppose in the context of it being in the hopes/fears space, it could signify my fear of dysfunction and my ability to focus.

7. Finally the two of pentacles, a most fortunate outlook I think, she seems to have a handle on things, though unknown to most it did not come easily.

Okay, so I think I know what to do… but how shall I do it?

I don’t understand how it can rain for almost five years. I just don’t.

1. So I was killing it for like three weeks straight by doing some sort of magical or spiritual practice, then it went on a temp hiatus when I spent the night at my friend’s college, which was amazing, since it was all shiny and new! Sooo, yeah that was fun, but I think I’ll start back mediating tonight. But it’s difficult for someone as wired as me who used to feeding their brain with a bunch of random crap as humanly possible. As I’m typing this I’m watching House, checked my phone and read like three stupid io9 articles and then clicked some cards on freecell. Yesss sir.

2. Speaking of random shows, I hate T.V ads with women. Even if it’s not a diet ad, someone is trying to get ridiculously skinny and talking about how “sinful” snack foods are. Ugh, for real? I wish people would chill with those ads, not every woman wants to eat fucking yogurt all goddamn day(I do like yogurt though).

3. The hotel job isn’t so bad, I did check someone into a dirty room though… but I told them it was dirty and it was gonna get clean, but nooooo they wanted the keys. They slept in dirty sheets. My coworkers will never let me live that down. But I am starting overnight next week, with my father. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

4. Speaking of family, we’re still struggling financially like a drunk chick in heels, and my optimism is thinning. I mean it’s never at like oceanic levels but I keep getting irritable and taking it out on people. Which is crappy so I alerted my mother and my sister about my anxiety and told them I was sorry and they forgave me, so I suppose that’s good?

5. Um… I think that’s it? I’m starting school back again next week. So yaaaay. Well yeah… that’s it.

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Out of all the Shakespeare works I’ve read(like two), my favorite would be “As You Like It“. If I remember correctly Rosaline decided to cross dress and run away to the forest after some events transpired? I’m not very good on details, but I do remember is being awesome fun for everyone(No one dies right?).

Where am I going with this? No where.

I want my own pastoral adventure. But not to a forest, I respect nature, but I’m not to fond of bugs and wild woodland creatures.

I’d like to go to a city with museums and dye my hair purple with some pink highlights and not have to sneak out the house to go to a Buddhist center.

I’d like to wear clothes that reflect how awesome I am and jewelery that me and my friends got from a trip over sea to Greece.

I want to leave.

But I can’t. I have to help my parents with bills, I need to go to college because I have no natural skills, I have to wear clothes that I bought three years ago because I can’t afford to revamp my wardrobe. And where would I wear my awesome clothes a jewelry to?

I have to place my statues under my bed and my silly oak wand in a cup with flowers and incense. I keep my books in a bag hidden by my bed and hope my mother doesn’t feel like rummaging through my room.

I cut off my hair in 2009, I went natural but I still feel like I’m faking it.

I’m going to work over night at a hotel with my father, I won’t be able to do anything because I know’d he’s there.

I still want to live in a Japanese style house(something like a dojo lol) with futuristic gadgets. I still want an alice in wonderland sleeve and some sweet deal tattoos. I want to be immature and run away and have adventures. I don’t want to be responsible.

I want a different role this year. But unless I move out and get a job that pay’s well, I have to suck it up.

All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts.